Right now I'm going through a devotional called "100 Days to Brave" by the lovely and hilarious Annie F. Downs (follow her on the social medias here). At the end of each day she gives somewhat of a challenge of bravery. Today's "just do it" moment is to "think back on your life. [Write] about two or three moments you or someone else might label you as 'brave.'" This is tough for me. People have told me I'm brave for this or that, but those this's and thats usually were some of the hardest things I've had to do. There are scars there, healed, but still a scar. So this bravery exercise is difficult, BUT here goes:
1) Moving to Ukraine - I moved to Ukraine when I was 27 (prime baby-making age!) and single. I quit my job, raised monthly support, and sold almost everything I owned (I could never part with my Gilmore Girls DVD collection). I joined a small, brand new team: two married couples and me! It took me two years to raise all my support...2 years! During that time I was offered a dream job, my dad got really sick, and I had a lot of people disappoint me. Also, being a 27-year-old Christian in the South meant that I should've been married with three kids by then. I had been working at a Christian college at the time, watching all these 19-22 year olds date, get engaged, marry, and have kids. Seriously. Yet I remained as single as one can get. It has always been a desire of mine to get married, to have someone go through this adventure of life with me. God and I had to have some pretty tough talks (and still do sometimes) about why I was (am) still single, why I hadn't (haven't) found the "one" yet. I had to lay this deep desire at His feet time and time again, with hands open knowing that God's best, His plan, for me will always be way better than anything I can come up with. SO, off to Ukraine I went, because obedience made more sense than sitting and waiting on what I thought my life would/should look like. I suppose this was brave. People have told me it was brave.
2) Putting Myself Out There - No, this isn't another story about me being single or dating. *eye roll* I have felt a stirring in me to write and speak/entertain/whatever for a long time. Growing up I wanted to be on Broadway. Then I discovered I couldn't actually sing, and apparently that's a Broadway requirement. Whatever. Dream crushed. NBD. ANYWHO, these dreams are not things I really tell many people. They sound like crazy, outlandish dreams to me. I have a dream of writing an actual book one day. To me, this sounds so insane equal to something like me declaring I want to go to Julliard and be a prima ballerina. Let me tell ya, that ain't happening. I know in reality writing a book isn't such a crazy, unrealistic dream, but in my mind that's where it has sat, on an unreachable pedestal. Lies of not having the fortitude or talent paired with the world whispering "you can't do this," "you have to get a 'real' job," "you won't be able to pay the bills," "this is ridiculous," "you're too old to start a new path," etc. left me almost fearful of ever even considering this as an actual thing God would call me to pursue. I've had book titles floating around in my head for 10+ years. There they stayed. Until now. I haven't written a book, but I am finally obeying Holy Spirit's nudging and stepping out in faith. My friend, Meg, and I have started a podcast called "HonestyCouch." It's also a website and blog on which I get to collaborate. We are just two girls, who love Jesus but have messy lives and talk about it. We've just begun; still working on episode 1, BUT it's exciting. I feel I'm right in the pocket of God's will for me in this season. There is definite anxiety that comes with stepping out, being brave, and putting yourself out there to be judged, BUT the peace and joy that has come from being obedient with what God has put in front of me...well, that far outweighs the fear and rebukes it to remind me that God is way bigger than me, my gifts, and my ability to make something fail or succeed. I feel brave, and I choose it with this path that is before me.
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