Sep 24, 2012

HELLO, ME. NICE TO MEET YOU.

It's been 2 years and 24 days since I have moved back to America.  Two years.  Some days it's like my life in Ukraine never existed.  Then the raw reality of this new person I am brings me back to the facts. Ukraine did happen.  I lived it.  I survived.  By the skin of my teeth, but I survived.  There was a before, and there is an after...a now.  The harder part, it seems now...ask me again in another 2 years and 24 days... is getting to know this new me.

This new Brittney is quite foreign to me.  Sure, I am still quirky, silly, and ridiculous.  Pretty sure no trauma could shake that out of me.  I am more quiet now, though.  More cynical and distrustful.  I don't like this new part of me.  I hope the optimistic and faith-filled me finds her way back soon.  God and I are working on that.  I am older.  I am smarter in some ways, dumber in others.  I can tell you interest rates and student loan options, but for the life of me cannot remember the simplest things on a daily basis.  My Ukrainian feels like it's slipping away despite my nighttime conversations with myself in Ukrainian and teaching a co-worker certain Ukrainians terms and phrases.  I am scared to do ministry.  I am wary of church.  I am learning how to be full, honest, and real with everyone rather than just with the people I know can handle it.  I love creating things, crafting, painting, and just art in general.  I never did this before, not really.  I like having a heady job that allows me to be creative in my personal life, rather than a job that completely drains me creatively leaving no room for me to enjoy doing stuff on my own time.   I want a craft room.  I want to find a job that I don't hate.  Maybe I don't like living alone as much as I thought I did.  I love my family more than I ever thought I did.  I am lazy, especially when it comes to personal discipline.  I love my nephew more than I ever thought imaginable; he amazes me.  I am willing to move far away just because my sister asked me to.  I hate Arkansas in the summer.  I miss, so much, JV kids.  I miss being a part of a community.  I need to be a part of a community, even if I don't want to.  I can be very anti-social.  I am jealous of my brother-in-law's faith and relationship with God.  I can be very dark.  I wish I could start my own business doing everything I love to do with the freedom of doing nothing at the same time.  I am not as brave as I once was.  I can be very fearful, and doubt myself.  I want to find my other other half (brooke being my first other half...duh).  I like wearing dresses.  I love wearing jewelry from Ukraine, and getting to tell admirers where I got it.  I am lazy.  I have found new skills I didn't know I had; things I'm good at that I would have never thought of.  I am pretty handy.  I love when people compliment the art I have in my office.  I love telling those same people about where the art came from (CZ and UA and Me).  I have no idea if someone is flirting with me or just being friendly.  My radar on that front is null and void.  I miss my nephew after two days of not seeing him.  I miss my BOL girls more than words can say.

I need people in my life who are good for my soul.  I need hard truths and people who will tell me those truths.  I need accountability.  I am lazy.  I want so badly to be the best version of myself, but am often unwilling to do much to accomplish this.  I am easily inspired lately.  I want to be a part of something amazing.  I have this sneaky suspicion that God is not through with me yet.        

2 comments:

Lindsey Watson said...

I miss you.

BritBoat said...

I miss you, Lindsey! I need to come to Conway. It's been too long.