Aug 23, 2011


I feel as if I am currently in a waiting room--figuratively of course...I'm not blogging at the dentist.  Now that school has started I am back to substitute teaching, which I am so thankful for!  It is so nice to have something productive to do each day and to be making money.  However, I don't feel like I'm really, honestly doing anything or being ME.  I'm not settled in a job.  I do technically live in an apartment in Fayetteville, for which I have paid August rent, but it's temporary...I will not live here for more than 4 or 5 months (my friend's sister/permanent roommate is studying abroad for a semester and will be back in December).  After December what happens then?  Do I just bump from town to town subbing here and there?  I have been applying and interviewing for more permanent, full-time jobs, with no "hired!" outcomes.  I am left confused as to what to do next.  I am still plugging away, sending out applications, trying to keep an open mind about different areas to work in, different type of jobs I may be good at or that I would like to try.  However, I feel my efforts are half-hearted.  I just feel like I'm surviving...definitely not thriving.  How do I go from survive to thrive?

Part of me feels like I just need to pack up and move away...away from my Arkansas comfort zone.  Mind you, this is WAY easier to say than to actually do.  I have gone as far as to apply for jobs out of the state--the outcomes you can deduce from this and previous posts.  Brooke and Garrett are persevering in their persuasive techniques geared toward getting me to move to Findlay, Ohio, where they have just moved.  They tempt me with a temporary place to stay, fun times, closeness to my best friend/sister, and a fresh start...a clean slate in a brand new, totally random place.  I am so very tempted.  I don't really care about Ohio as a state...never had a deep-seeded desire to become a Buckeye.  Findlay is also definitely not an exciting, booming metropolis of a city.  It is, however, a cheap, cool (weather-wise, of course; this Southern heat is killing me!) place to baby-step away from my comfort zone.  I don't know.  ON THE OTHER HAND I don't want to move there because it seems I may just be following Brooke and Garrett wherever they go.  Been there, done that in one way or another in my life, and I don't want to do that again.  I want to do Me; go somewhere for Me.  The current issue is now, though, that I don't really know what I want to do or where I want to go.  I'm still trying to figure out who "Me" is on top of that.

Maybe I should move to Indiana, Pennsylvania, Kentucky, Michigan, or West Virginia?  Yes, I did just list all the states bordering Ohio.  I'm lame.  I've thought tons about moving to Colorado.  Before movign to Ukraine, I said that if I ever moved back to America I'd like to live in Colorado.  So...I have applied at several jobs there.  I've researched cities in which I may like to live.  I even have a close friend who is also wanting--and planning!--to move there.  That's as far as I've gotten, though.  I'm such a wuss!!  I mean, 4 years ago I quit my job, sold all my crap, and moved to Ukraine!!  Another freakin' continent and eight time zones away!  Talk about taking a giant leap out of one's comfort zone!  YET I have a panic attack just thinking about packing up my car and moving to Ohio or Colorado.  Same continent and only an 11-13 hour DRIVE away.  I'm ridiculous.  Somewhere along the way I have lost my gumption and have become content with merely surviving rather than thriving.  This Stella needs to get her groove back! that I have given myself a pep talk/kick-in-the-pants via blog post, what do I do now?  Do I persevere in subbing, trying to find my niche from home and continue waiting for the desires of my heart to be made known?  -OR-  Do I stop waiting, move away--risking not only comfort but also cash flow--to start anew and go looking for what the desires of my heart could be?  Neither seem wrong.  Both seem scary in one way or another.  AH!!  WWSD (What Would Stella Do)?!!  Ah ha!  Always the right answer = Jesus. J


Jenna said...

WELL...We'll just have to chat it up when I get there next weekend. (I think it's next weekend). :) Love you girl.

Angela said...

Sorry girl. Sounds like this sucks. God's wanting to hold you close to Him right now. Listen for the whispers to your heart. He's not in your anxieties. He's in the quiet. My advice to you: go where your community is. If it's in Ohio, go there. If it's in Fay, stay there. If it's in CO, come here, though I fear job searching may prove even more difficult... so, I hear. I understand that you don't want to be following folks around all the time, but I think the most important thing you can do is stay plugged into a trusted, believing community who can love you with the love of Christ through it all. Hang in there.

Bynum said...

Well said, Angela. I know of a great community here in NWA, but I tell ya what.... I sometimes think, nay, yearn for community with the CO mountains. I love those guys. I have a burning gumption to move there someday too. But enough about me. Abree misses her best friend.. Seems like it's been a while. Let's hang sometime.