MORE THAN CONQUERORS

You all know it.  I've written about it a few times.  I have struggled...not only with what to do with my life now that I am an American living in America (rather than Europe), but also with my relationship with Christ, trusting Him with everything, and pursuing Him.  I don't talk about that much.  Mainly because I'm a little embarrassed.  I was a missionary.  A super Christian leaving her family and semi-comfortable life behind for the sake of the Gospel! (here I imagine a charge sounding, fists pumping, & maybe some "good game" slaps on the rear)  Ya, that's not me.  I'm no super Christian, which is a title I know no one has given me but rather unrealistic expectations I have had on myself for years.  It's been hard as people ask me to pray, and I just don't want to or have anxiety about it.  People ask me to come to a Bible study, and my initial reaction is "no way."  Church, for me, is a place where I go to see people I like, chat it up, then eat lunch together afterwards.  Pessimism seems to take over my once eternal hope and optimism.  Large crowds, especially of Christians, give me high anxiety.  This isn't me...or the me I was.  

My abrupt leaving of Ukraine shook me to the core, emotionally and spiritually.  I was lost.  In that feeling of complete loss I blamed God for a lot and stepped into a cloud of fear and distrust for my Heavenly Father.  I trusted Him in going to Ukraine.  I trusted that God called me to Ukraine and, though it wouldn't always be easy, He would take care of me and it would all be ok.  In Ukraine I fell and just kept falling.  Sure, it wasn't all doom and gloom...there were many good times, and God did AMAZING things.  I don't mean to belittle those things or those people whom He touched through me.  I was miserable, though.  At the end of it, I was so unhappy.  I kept telling myself, "I'm a missionary; it's supposed to be hard."  I sat in that mindset for too long.  Not realizing it, I think I became bitter at God for putting me through that, for not "taking care of me."  I trusted Him, and He didn't hold up His side of the bargain.  Ridiculous.  I know that now, but that's how I felt.  It took me a lot of tears and months of counseling since I've been back to realize all that.  To say it out loud...well...that's taken longer.  10 months to be exact.  :-)  

This is real.  This is me.  I'm learning that this me who is getting to know and trust God again is much more real than the me who was a "super Christian."  I have been challenged.  I've questioned Him, refused and ignored Him.  I've never had to work to believe before.  I can say I was never truly tested before all this.  Now, I'm growing into a new faith.  One that is completely mine and His.  One that is more real and deep than anything I have felt before.  I still have so far to go, but with God's unimaginable patience and steadfastness I am baby-stepping my way back to Him.  Back to full, unashamed, unhindered, reckless trust in the One who will never leave me or forsake me.  It's still so hard.  Daily.  Hard to pray.  I can now, though, without pretending.  I can read my Bible now, open it without anxiety gripping me.  I am honest with Him, with my hurts my deep fears.  He's slowly healing me, making me a new creation with a new future....a new me.