AT THE BEGINNING

Well, here I am, starting a new chapter in my life.  It's freakin' scary but exciting at the same time.  It's hard to feel the "exciting" part most days, but I'm working on it.  I've been back in America for four months now.  It seems like so much longer; more like September 1st to January 1st was actually a full year rather than just four months.  This has been one of the hardest years of my life (the real year, not the four-month year, though that is included), one that has left me broken, scarred, and lost.


Lost is one of the hardest, ya know.  It's just like I'm five years old again, in Target, and all of a sudden I look around and don't see my mom anywhere.  I look and look, but she's just gone.  I don't know where to go or what to do.  I was have been abandoned, and had have no idea what to do now.  In Target (actual event) I probably didn't listen to my mom or wandered off...I wasn't am not abandoned.


I'm here, standing...sometimes sitting or laying curled up in a ball...but here, none the less.  I made it, though there were days (and I'm sure there will be more) that I didn't think I would.  I know, though, I'm going to be so much better because of it.  At least that's what I have to keep telling myself, or rather what Brooke has to keep telling me--as the days come when I lay on her couch and cry.  One day, I will look back and say, "Thank You, Lord, for that hell of a year, and then some!" or in one phrasing or another.  We'll see.  Oh yes, we shall.   In the meantime ....... I'll start walking--trying to do a little less standing, sitting, or laying.