Jan 24, 2007

Digging Deeper is Hard, but Worth It

As I sit here in the lobby, surrounded by my fellow missionaries, I feel empty. Weird. I'm never alone. I'm constantly surrounded by people; I thrive on this. I thrive on laughter and being social. It brings me joy! BUT, the longer I am here, the more I realize I need to be alone. I need to have time where I just sit by myself and soak it all in. Sure I can get a lot through conversation and fellowship, but I also need to be alone, one-on-one with God. I need to process my heart...really, trully hear what God is doing that day. I need to read more; be still and quiet more. I feel God pulling me to quiet...to stillness. Will I be obedient? Will I choose reading in my room or at a coffee shop alone, or will I go back to being the 24-hour captain of the Fun Squad?

Today was a heavy day at MTI. Today we were put in a hostage situation. In our groups, we had to squeeze into this space/box and make decisions about who would be saved and who would be sacrificed. It was hard. Hard mainly to see those volunteer to be executed, and see myself not volunteer. I felt so selfish. I felt selfish for not volunteering, and even more selfish for not wanting one person to go instead of this other. It became real. I never thought I would really get into it, but I did. As soon as the first two guys volunteered to "die," I broke inside. I stayed strong until I got out and had to see those who "gave up their lives" for us. It felt so real! "Why am I so upset?" I asked myself. "Why does my heart hurt so much?" and "Why do I feel like such a coward for not offering myself?" I barely know these people...really...yet I felt like I lost some people very dear to me and felt myself begin to mourn for them. Then came the emotional beating I gave myself for not sacrificing along with them.

Who am I? I am but a single woman with a passion for Christ but a sinful nature, not worthy of His love, forgiveness, and grace. Though I am not worthy, He constantly is loving, forgiving, and graceful with me. He gave/sacrificed so much for me. What am I giving/sacrificing for Him?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

good thoughts my friend.
thanks for sharing.