Jan 23, 2012


An old friend asked me yesterday what it means to move forward and how I do it.  Such a big question from someone whom I haven't talked to in quite a few years.  Yet, I found the answer rolled right off my tongue. Rather than allowing the answer to be entangled with postulations of hopes and grandeur, I let it set as simple and succinct.  Continue to do what is in front of me and tackle the challenges (emotional or otherwise) as they come.  He complimented me on how self-aware that seems, and how sure I am.  I laughed, as I feel quite far from self-awareness and even farther from being "sure."

A lot has changed in the past couple months.  I am no longer under the protective umbrella of my sister and brother-in-law, of my parents home, of the simplicity and flexibility of substitute teaching, and of my emotional baby-steps bubble.  I'm a big girl now.   Within a couple of weeks I was interviewing,  accepting, and starting a position at the largest university in Arkansas (a position in which I had no idea what I was doing...still working on that); moving out of the baby-step-into-the-world apartment situation with my friend and into my own apartment; paying deposits and setting up electricity and internet services; buying furniture that I have never bought before in my life; pulling my old business-casual wardrobe out of storage (hoping everything still fit); and facing the reality that it was time to take a giant leap into my new present, whether I was ready or not.

I was so afraid that I would not survive such a huge set of big changes all at once.  I became a bit paralyzed by fear, blinding me to the possibilities this new start could bring.  Yet, here I am, sitting on my "new" hand-me-down couch, surviving.  Fear still creeps in; panic attacks ensue.  I just have to pray harder those days.  Somehow God has covered me so far, and continues to strip away the fear and renew the hope in me I once felt.

So, this is me, moving forward.  Embracing that I am going to feel completely lost, insecure, and incompetent at my job for the time that I'm learning how to do it.  But that will pass...it already has a little.  (p.s. If anyone needs information on Federal Financial Aid for college, I'm your gal!)  That's what's in front of me right now.  Allowing myself to feel excited, with a little scared at times, about having my own apartment, decorating it, and paying for it.  That's what's in front of me right now.  Learning to be more disciplined in my time management and other areas of life, as I'm WAY more tired these days and have more responsibility.  That's what's in front of me right now.  Talking with God and loved ones through the emotions of fear, anxiety, and distrust that have come up from past wounds and the process of being on my own again.  That's what's in front of me right now.  Those are my challenges.  I don't succeed in them every day, but at least I'm trying.  At least I'm moving forward.


brookejrea said...

Great post stinky! I am surprised you chose Tupac as your starting point, but that's just the way it is....HA! I'm hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Great Post. we are very proud of you! Love Mom