MOMENTS OF BRAVERY

Right now I'm going through a devotional called "100 Days to Brave" by the lovely and hilarious Annie F. Downs (follow her on the social medias here).  At the end of each day she gives somewhat of a challenge of bravery.  Today's "just do it" moment is to "think back on your life. [Write] about two or three moments you or someone else might label you as 'brave.'"  This is tough for me.  People have told me I'm brave for this or that, but those this's and thats usually were some of the hardest things I've had to do.  There are scars there, healed, but still a scar.  So this bravery exercise is difficult, BUT here goes:  

1) Moving to Ukraine - I moved to Ukraine when I was 27 (prime baby-making age!) and single.  I quit my job, raised monthly support, and sold almost everything I owned (I could never part with my Gilmore Girls DVD collection).  I joined a small, brand new team: two married couples and me!  It took me two years to raise all my support...2 years!  During that time I was offered a dream job, my dad got really sick, and I had a lot of people disappoint me.  Also, being a 27-year-old Christian in the South meant that I should've been married with three kids by then.  I had been working at a Christian college at the time, watching all these 19-22 year olds date, get engaged, marry, and have kids.  Seriously.  Yet I remained as single as one can get.  It has always been a desire of mine to get married, to have someone go through this adventure of life with me.  God and I had to have some pretty tough talks (and still do sometimes) about why I was (am) still single, why I hadn't (haven't) found the "one" yet.  I had to lay this deep desire at His feet time and time again, with hands open knowing that God's best, His plan, for me will always be way better than anything I can come up with.  SO, off to Ukraine I went, because obedience made more sense than sitting and waiting on what I thought my life would/should look like. I suppose this was brave.  People have told me it was brave.  

2)  Putting Myself Out There - No, this isn't another story about me being single or dating. *eye roll*  I have felt a stirring in me to write and speak/entertain/whatever for a long time.  Growing up I wanted to be on Broadway.  Then I discovered I couldn't actually sing, and apparently that's a Broadway requirement.  Whatever.  Dream crushed.  NBD.  ANYWHO, these dreams are not things I really tell many people.  They sound like crazy, outlandish dreams to me.  I have a dream of writing an actual book one day.  To me, this sounds so insane equal to something like me declaring I want to go to Julliard and be a prima ballerina.  Let me tell ya, that ain't happening.  I know in reality writing a book isn't such a crazy, unrealistic dream, but in my mind that's where it has sat, on an unreachable pedestal.  Lies of not having the fortitude or talent paired with the world whispering "you can't do this," "you have to get a 'real' job," "you won't be able to pay the bills," "this is ridiculous," "you're too old to start a new path," etc. left me almost fearful of ever even considering this as an actual thing God would call me to pursue.  I've had book titles floating around in my head for 10+ years.  There they stayed.  Until now.  I haven't written a book, but I am finally obeying Holy Spirit's nudging and stepping out in faith.  My friend, Meg, and I have started a podcast called "HonestyCouch."  It's also a website and blog on which I get to collaborate.  We are just two girls, who love Jesus but have messy lives and talk about it.  We've just begun; still working on episode 1, BUT it's exciting.  I feel I'm right in the pocket of God's will for me in this season.  There is definite anxiety that comes with stepping out, being brave, and putting yourself out there to be judged, BUT the peace and joy that has come from being obedient with what God has put in front of me...well, that far outweighs the fear and rebukes it to remind me that God is way bigger than me, my gifts, and my ability to make something fail or succeed.  I feel brave, and I choose it with this path that is before me.

THUS IS LIFE, BUT...

Per usual in my life, I write/blog regularly, then stop for a couple years.  I then come back and blog/write regularly, to then stop once again for a year or two.  Thus is my life.  I'm not a missionary in Ukraine any more.  I don't have supporters waiting with bated breath to hear about the next cool thing God is doing in Ukraine...or rather the next picture of my apartment, weird food I've eaten that day, or next embarrassing story of me fumbling through life in Europe.  There's just no accountability to push me to blog, no obligation to fulfill.  

BUT...I do have stuff going on, don't get me wrong.  It's not like I don't have anything to say.  I ALWAYS have something to say let's be honest here.  Especially now.  Right now, I'm probably the healthiest spiritually, mentally, and emotionally I've been in a long time.  I mean, I have my moments, of course.  Those low times where I'm really feeling my job, my finances or lack thereof, or my singleness.  Those times come in waves.  If I look at the past year as a whole, though, it's good.  Like high-fives-all-around good. 

Yes, I still work at a job that seems so meaningless to me (Ecclesiastes-style meaningless). 
Yes, I still battle contentment and yearn to explore the burning in my gut that I am meant for so much more than this. 
Yes, I am still single--in my 30s--and want so badly to have someone to share life's adventures; someone who struggles and rejoices with me; someone who challenges me and I him; someone who will randomly get on a plane and fly to Czech Republic with me just because it sounds fun.

BUT...Yes, I have my people, my church, my family who are here and actually near (well, some of them) who bless me in a ways I cannot begin to describe. 
Yes, I am now free from the bitterness of my trauma. 
Yes, I have forgiven and been forgiven. 
Yes, I can now be so very thankful for ALL the mess.
Yes, I can now see that God's promise to never leave me was true then and continues to be true now.
Yes, I can now, with my whole heart, say YES and AMEN*.

*2 Corinthians 1:20 (ESV)
"For all the promises of God find their Yes in him. That is why it is through him that we utter our Amen to God for his glory."

All that to say...I should write more.  There's been a lot to say.  We'll see. 

NWA REPRESENT!

It's been a while....a long time actually.  I don't live in Colorado anymore.  That's how long it's been.  I now live in Bentonville, AR.  Yep, back to my old stompin' grounds.  What is up with that expression?  Why "stomping grounds"?  I did not do any literal "stomping" while in Northwest Arkansas.  Well, I may have if I was throwing a fit, but otherwise no stomping.  I did watch "Stomp the Yard", but that was actually when I was in Conway...so we're back again to no actual stomping in NWA.  hmmm  Something to think about. 

That is all. 

On another note, here are my sweet sweet loves:

LET'S TALK ABOUT ANIMALS

Dee, let's talk about animals, Dee.
What abou...t elephants?  Oh, I like elephants, Ben!  You like elephants, Dee?  Oh yes, Ben.
What abou...t zrebas?  Do you like zrebas, Ben?  I like zrebas too!
What abou...t giraffes?  And lions, and hippos, and peacocks, and monkeys....

This can last for quite a while.  This boy LOVES his animals, and I am the privileged one who he wants to lay in bed with and chat about them.  I LOVE being his Dee, so very very much.

Brooke somehow snuck in and captured this moment.  This particular time we were telling these animals to "Get Up!" because he didn't want it to be time to go to sleep.  

HOSTAGE SITUATION

Before I moved to Ukraine, I had to attend a month-long missionary training.  Half was about language acquisition and the other half about life acquisition.  How do you adapt, how do you survive, how do you thrive in this new culture, this new life you now have?  During this training we were put through a hostage simulation.  Let's be honest, I was skeptical about it feeling real and not cheesey.  Oh man, was I wrong!  It quickly became real and scary as my group was thrust into a harsh, scary, life-threatening hostage situation.  The cardboard box we were shoved in turned into a metal bunker in the middle of nowhere.  The darkness was overwhelming; almost squelching our spirit.  The voices in the background were no longer our trainers and teachers but dangerous enemies who threatened our lives.  When the "terrorists" demanded sacrifices, people I barely knew became those who I loved and couldn't bear to see "die."  We had to choose people to sacrifice, who then had to choose their freedom, their life or their God.  It was intense...so very real.  Much more real than I ever thought possible.

I'm not a foreign missionary anymore.  I'm not in the field fighting for the lives of the Ukrainians no matter the odds.  I'm just a "normal" person now.  Working a "normal" job.  There are no terrorists around demanding a sacrifice, demanding I give up my friends, my life, my God.  For some reason I was thinking about this today.  Sometimes, even though I'm in the "normal" world, I am put right in the middle of a hostage situation.  I fight an enemy who is asking me to give up, to sacrifice my attitude or morals, or just my mood or work ethic.  Every day I fight.  Every day we are in a hostage situation; some days are more hostile than others.  We may not realize it, but we are there and we do fight. 

Some days I give in to the enemy.  Instead of choosing Joy, choosing Light, choosing Excellence, I choose a bad mood, easily angered.  I choose making fun of the person who may be a little different, griping about the person who may be a little difficult.  I choose slacking off, waiting until the last minute to actually do my job.  I choose the enemy instead of the God who chose me, and chooses me every day.  God chose me to go to Ukraine; He chose me to move back to Arkansas; He chose me to move to Colorado; He chose me to work in Financial Aid when I wanted to do anything but; He chose my life instead of the life of His son.  The least I can do is chose him.  In my every day hostage situations, my every day that the enemy tries to get me to choose him.  I fight to choose to be a light in the darkness of the "normal" every day life.  

SHAMELESS

I know what you're thinking...yes, Garth Brooks is awesome.  BUT, unfortunately (or fortunately if you're one of THOSE people who don't like Sir Garth) this post isn't about my love for the soothing sounds of Garth.  I had a student come in my office today (btw, I work in financial aid again...sigh...but in Colorado, so it's at least pretty!) not only to ask about her aid for the Spring semester but also to try and sell me her book.

Really?

Really.

I was shocked.  At first I thought she just wanted to share some fun news about an accomplishment, but then the sales pitch came.  "Are you interested in my book?  It's only $20!  Such a good deal!"  Not lying.  This actually happened.  In an office of student financial aid...where money from the government is given to aid in achieving higher education.  *another sigh

1)  That's not a good deal.
B)  I can't believe you're trying to sell me something...in the financial aid office...of a college.
3)  No, I'm not interested.

Congrats, though, on the accomplishment.

Wow.

ADORATION

I can't believe I live here.

P.S.  I'm helping do some social media/graphic design with a church in Boulder.  This is one of the posts you'll see coming.  This is the view off HWY 287 in Berthoud, CO facing West.  Gorgeous.